Fading Read online

  “But do you think that maybe you work because you’re so different?” I ask with a frown, they’ve been dating about two years now and I guess I just assumed everything was perfect between them.

  “I don’t know.” She sighs and shrugs, looking up at the ceiling. “I think I’m happy, I just… I don’t know. Sometimes I just feel like there’s something missing, you know?”

  “Not really.” I shrug even though she’s not looking at me.

  “You were happy when you were with Gavin, right?”

  “Yeah, I was. We didn’t really argue or anything, it was just so… peaceful. You know how he was, you couldn’t argue with him, he was just so laid back all the time.”

  She turns to look at me with a sad smile. “Is it still hard not having him around?”

  “Sometimes. Some days I don’t even want to get out of bed because it’s just so hard, you know. I mean, I miss him every day, but some days I just think about how unfair it is that he’s gone, but then other days it’s easier. I just think that he’d want us all to carry on. He’d want us all to be happy.”

  “Are you happy, Lil? I mean, really happy?”

  “I…” I look at my best friend, I really look at her. She has these grey eyes that you can get lost in and for the first time, I notice that they have green flecks in them. “I don’t think so.”

  “Yeah… me neither.”

  “We don’t really do anything though. Tonight will be good for us.”

  “Yeah.” She agrees but I don’t think she really means it.

  “Anyway, cheer up!” I jump up to a standing position, ignoring the way my joints protest and put on my cheeriest voice. “We’re going to get drunk tonight because we’re celebrating the fact that we are alive and that one of our closest friends, though he didn’t live a long life, he lived a great one. So when I see you in a few hours, I want to see you happy or at the very least, fake smiling.”

  “You’re right.” She holds her hand out and I pull her up to her feet. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me but by tonight I’ll be better. Today is Gavin’s day. It’ll be good.”

  “That it will. But now I have to go back to work.” I pout pathetically which gets a laugh out of her.

  “Still not happy with your boss?”

  “Nope. And my dad didn’t come in again today,” I shake my head in frustration. “I’m going to have to go home and check on him before I meet you all tonight.”

  “Yeah, give him a hug from me, will you?”

  “Sure. I’ll see you later.”

  “Bye.”

  I leave the bookstore in a gloomier disposition than when I entered it. This time of year is always hard for my father since we lost my mum. I just hope he’s better this year than he was at the beginning because that was rough, and definitely not something I can live through again.

  Three

  By the time I make it to the bar, the party is already in full swing. Nate, Jason, and Lexi are all at the bar, Cal is on the other side of it mixing their drinks. Lexi is the first to spot me and when she turns on her stool, shouts “Lillybug!” and waves her hands in the air, I know they’ve been drinking shots of whiskey.

  “Hey Lex,” I chuckle and wrap her into a hug when I reach her stool. “Started without me, huh?” I ask when I release her and climb onto the empty stool next to her.

  “We did,” She hiccups. “The guys picked me up early.”

  Behind her back, Nate shakes his head at me to let me know they didn’t, she’s just a lightweight, as usual.

  “Right,” I smile and turn to Cal. “Make me a drink that will make me like that, please.”

  “Sure thing,” He laughs evilly.

  “So how have you been?” He asks.

  I look away from him, I don’t want to think about what he’s putting in my drink, let alone see it happen. “I’ve been good. Busy. You?”

  “Not bad, not bad at all. We’re doing a ladies night every Saturday here now, you should come.”

  “A ladies night?” I cock an eyebrow at him. “Like… strippers and stuff?”

  “Well, no. But there will be shirtless men bringing you drinks all night.”

  “Sounds like fun.”

  “I can see you’re finding it difficult to contain your excitement.” He laughs and hands me a black cocktail.

  Black.

  I don’t even want to know.

  “Who are the guys that you’ve hired?” I ask out of curiosity.

  “We’ll be here.” Nate grins at me and throws an arm around Jason’s shoulders.

  “You’re doing it.” I check my amusement just in time when I realise they’re serious.

  “Yes. Don’t laugh, you know we’re hot.”

  “Of course you are.” I agree just to pacify him.

  “Gavin would have been the first to sign up.” Lexi says. Or well, shouts.

  “He would have.” I agree and this time, I do laugh. “He loved any excuse to do stuff like that.”

  “We had some parties with him, didn’t we?” Nate shakes his head. “He was so sensible until you put some alcohol in him, then he was the centre of the party.”

  “You both were.” Cal smiles at me.

  “Remember that time you both jumped off that bridge?” Lexi asks and starts laughing as she tells the story.

  “I’m not doing it.” I shake my head even as we climb up on to the edge.

  “Oh come on, Lilith. It was your idea.” Gavin grabs my hand and laces our fingers together.

  I squeeze it once. Hard. “I know but I forgot that I’m afraid of heights and this is high.”

  “You forgot?” He throws his head back and the sound of his laughter fills the air, calming me.

  “Do you think it’ll hurt?” I ask as I peak down at the crashing waves. Why am I asking such a stupid question?

  “I think you’re going to want to do it again right away.”

  “You won’t leave my side, right?”

  “Never.”

  “Okay, I’m ready.”

  “You’re ready?”

  “Yes.”

  He leans over and kisses me hard and then without a countdown or any prompt what so ever, we both step off the ledge.

  The wind blows my hair into my hair, blocking my vision, Gavin’s hand lets go of mine and we both get lost in gravity and before I can even think about what is coming, I manage just at the very last second to squeeze my nose with my right hand as I hit the water and get pulled under.

  Coming up for air and swimming back to shore does nothing to dull the thrill that jumping gave me. It’s a rush like nothing I’ve ever felt before and he was right; I want to do it again.

  “See, it was fun, right baby?” Gavin calls from a few feet away.

  “That was a good night,” I recall with a smile. “We probably should have done it when we were sober though.”

  “Well, yeah…” Nate says with enough dryness to cure the aftermath of a tsunami.

  Several hours later, I’m searching for my coat with the rest of them. These once a year meetings are the only time we’re all together, we don’t hang out much anymore, which I suppose is just a part of growing up, friends spend less time together but it doesn’t mean they’re less of a friend for it.

  “How did you get here, Lil?” Nate asks as we all huddle together outside and wait for Cal to lock up.

  “Taxi. Oh! I haven’t rung one to take me home, will one of you wait with me please?” I ask and search my bag for my phone which is definitely in there but where it is, is anyone’s guess.

  “We’ll wait with you.” Lexi assures me.

  “I’ll take you.” Jason says at the exact same time.

  “Thank you,” I smile at Lexi and turn to Jason. “There’s no need, I’ll get a taxi.”

  “You live next door to me.” He says as if there can be no argument against it.

  I have one, of course; like, I’d rather travel there in the belly of a snake than sit in a car with you.
Or, but I don’t want to be alone with you because I’m afraid I may actually succeed at killing you with my mind and if you’re driving, I don’t want to crash.

  But I don’t say those things, mainly because Lexi and Nate start agreeing that Jason taking me home makes more sense than getting a taxi when we live right by each other, so, ‘it’s not like he will have to go out of his way.’

  “You’re not going straight home though, are you?” I ask unnecessarily and hope he takes the hint that I just don’t want to go with him.

  “Of course I am, why else would I have offered?” He answers, completely ignoring the elephant sized hint I threw at him.

  “Right, kids,” Cal finally joins us on the side of the road. “Let’s go home.”

  As one we all walk to the car park and say our goodbyes. I spend a little longer than necessary wishing Lexi a goodnight, prolonging the inevitable as long as possible. Okay, so I’m hoping Jason will pissed off with waiting and leave without me. But when I turn around, I see him sitting in the car waiting patiently. He’s probably even turned the heaters on so it’ll be warm when I get in there, the jerk.

  Like a woman who’s being sent to her death, it’s takes me three times as long as it normally would to reach his car, when I do, I open the door and debate running away but then it starts to rain, so I climb in reluctantly.

  “Ready?” He asks once I’m buckled in.

  “Sure.” I answer and turn my head to look out the window.

  Hopefully he dives fast.

  Four

  “You don’t have to take me home. I’m fine. I can get a taxi.” I tell the windscreen, partly to break the silence, mostly because Jason is the last person I want to be alone in a car with.

  “I’m taking you home. It’s no big deal. Besides, we’re almost half way there now.”

  “Fine.”

  “Why are you saying fine? What did you want me to do? Pull over and let you walk from here?”

  “No. I’m just saying that I could have gotten a taxi home, it’s not a big deal.”

  “Why are you so worried about being alone with me?”

  “I’m not worried about being alone with you.”

  “Then what’s the problem? If you’ll remember, we used to spend a lot of time alone together.”

  “That was a long time ago.”

  “Almost ten years ago, I know. But you don’t have to be so damn hostile all the time. You act like you hate me.”

  I finally turn to look at him because talking to the window is getting ridiculous. Jason and I used to be best friends once but that was a long time ago. He’s no longer my cute next door neighbour, now he’s the guy that I avoid at every available opportunity. But much to my disappointment, he stopped being cute years ago. Jason is one of those guys that one day is that guy you know and then the next, he’s the guy that’s hard to resist. He has it all, from his gorgeous thick sandy brown hair, near perfect jaw line and perfect grin, to the body that’s hot, but not so hot that you’d be self-conscious about getting naked in front of him because you just know that no matter what shape or size, he appreciates the female body.

  Too bad he’s a first class arse. “I do hate you, Jason. What makes it worse is that you know it and if I know you as well as I think I do, I’d say you like that I hate you.”

  A pair of chocolate brown eyes turn in my direction full of humour. “You think you know me?”

  “Jason,” I sigh loudly. “I probably know you better than you know yourself unfortunately.”

  “Maybe that used to be the case but people change. I’m not the same person I was ten years ago, definitely not the same person I was nine years ago.”

  “Whatever.”

  “And what do you mean you think I like that you hate me? First of all I didn’t know you hated me. That’s such a strong word, I just thought I annoyed you. Secondly, I don’t enjoy that you can’t be alone with me for more than five minutes without looking for an escape route. If I weren’t so unsure that you’d jump out of a moving vehicle to get away from me, I’d be driving faster than 25 miles per hour.”

  “I’m not going to jump out of your car while it’s moving, Jason. I’m not crazy.”

  “Aren’t you?” He moves his eyes back to the road.

  “What do you mean, ‘aren’t I?’ Of course I’m not crazy.”

  “Then what the hell is wrong with you?”

  For a few seconds, I don’t reply. There was a time that hearing Jason yell at me, wouldn’t have been a big deal. He’s a passionate guy, I just haven’t seen it for so long that it takes me by surprise. “Don’t shout at me.”

  “Then tell me what the hell is wrong with you. As much as you might hate me, you can’t change the fact that I know you, Lily. And no matter how many times you say you’re fine and everything is good, you should remember that I know when you’re lying.”

  “No.” I turn fully in my seat so I’m facing him properly because I want him to know I mean every word that I’m about to say. “You don’t get to do that. You can’t be… however it is that you’ve been with me for the last nine years and then suddenly decide you want to talk to me. Don’t pretend that you’re even slightly interested in hearing how I’m doing, Jason. I know how you feel about me and it’s pretty close to how I feel about you. So, just don’t okay? You haven’t been there for me for a very long time. I’m not about to start letting you in now.”

  He slows the car down and pulls over, it’s only then I realise we’re outside my house. “I’m not asking you to let me in. I’m just saying that I’m not Lexi, or Cal or even your dad; you can’t bullshit me into believing that everything is okay. I may not know you so well anymore, but I know when something isn’t right. And Lily, something isn’t right with you and you’re in deep, so whatever it is you’ve gotten yourself into, get out. Get out now before it’s too late.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I undo my seatbelt and turn to open my door, which is as far as I get before I feel his hand on my arm.

  “All I’m saying is even though you hate me, you know that I’m here for you if you need me.”

  When I laugh the humourless sound of it fills the car, I look over my shoulder just in time to see him wince. “Really? Because I remember very clearly the last time I needed you and you walked away from me.” I pull my arm away from him and get out of the car without another word.

  It’s not until I’m alone in the house that the last twenty minutes I spent with him really hits home. We were close once. He used to be my best friend, there wasn’t anything that went on in my life that didn’t include him. He knew everything there was to know about me and it had just always been that way.

  We were so young when we first met that I can’t even remember how old we were exactly, we were about four, I think, and he and his mum had just moved in next door to us. Jason and I started spending some time together and then over the years, he grew closer to my parents too. My dad mostly since his dad died a year before they’d moved, so seeing Jason at my house wasn’t ever a big deal, he became a part of the family. I thought as we got older, we’d grow apart, mostly because he was the popular boy and I was shy so I was always really quiet in front of people I didn’t know very well, but it just never happened. He tried to include me in as much as possible and when we reached high school, he invited me to all the parties that he was invited to and I know that he blew a few off to hang out with me instead.

  He once cancelled his own birthday party because I was ill, so instead of being with all of his friends, he snuck into my bedroom and spent the whole night watching really bad movies with me. I had to do the same thing for him a week later though since he caught whatever bug I had.

  We haven’t been like that for a long time though and he was right, a lot has changed since then, including my ability to lie without so much as a second thought.

  He was wrong about one thing though.

  He doesn’t know me.

  He has no idea what
I’ve gotten myself into.

  Five

  “I’m so glad you came out with me.” I hug Lexi to my side as we watch some sort of drinking game that’s too confusing to actually know what’s going on, never mind who’s actually winning.

  “How are you so wasted? You’ve only had like two drinks.” She frowns at me which makes me laugh.

  “Who cares? I’m having fuuuuun!” I shout and get a chorus of cheers from the other party goers. “See,” I wave an arm out in front of me to gesture to the whole of the house. “You need to cheer up. Why you so grumpy?”

  “I’m not grumpy, I just know how hard this time of year is for you, though I must admit, I expected you to spend it locked away in your house like you do every year.” She reluctantly accepts a drink from one of the girls who we met at a bar earlier and invited us here before she turns back to me. “I forgot to ask, how was it with Jason?”

  “How was what with Jason? Nothing had happened. What are you talking about? I don’t even talk to him.”

  “Whoa there, I meant the other night when he took you home… what did you think I was talking about?”

  “What? Nothing. The other night…” I have to pretend to think about it. I don’t know why. It’s not like there’s even a slight chance that I’ll forget it and the intensity that is Jason, any time soon. “It was fine. We argued. So it was par for the course with us.”

  “Why are you two like that anyway? What happened? I mean, for as long as I can remember, you’ve both been hostile towards each other but you seem to dislike him more than he does you, Nate says you used to be best friends, inseparable, almost. What happened?”

  “Do you really want to know what happened?” I ask and smile at the two guys headed our way. “We grew up, that’s what happened.”

  “Hello ladies,” They finally reach us. I smile at the one on the left, he’s medium height, dark haired and when he smiles – which he’s doing right now, he has a dimple. The one on the right is tall blonde and a little too handsome for my taste but I’m sure Lexi will have no trouble talking to him.